managing expectations...

Moving to Taiwan I thought that money wouldn't be a problem from day one.  It was a bit of an unexpected surprise when I had loads of things to pay off, buy and could barely make it through the month.  Everything seemed so much more expensive and it took awhile to find ways to save and still be comfortable.

Today again I had to manage my expectations.  I imagined and planned to get a train to Taichung and back in my own seat.  Well on the way back the taxi took us to the HSR (High Speed Rail) so we didn't make it in time for our train.  We sat on the hard floor and it was a hot and bumpy ride.  I was dreading my next class that I would now be late for AND unprepared.  I heard a whisper in my ear and heart saying that it would be more fun than I expected and IT WAS! I went trick or treating with my two classes and to my twin's house and we even got candy-not that I eat it but it was a nice gesture.  

Today (as a whole) exceeded my expectations but I also had to manage and control my frustrations and anger .  I also had to remind myself that because it was a bumpy morning and afternoon it didn't have to continue like that and what I mean is that I didn't need to take that into my classrooms.  I could let it go and enjoy the rest of what was left of the day!

It turned out to be an interesting day indeed.

May you be surprised by God's goodness in your life.

Love,
Sarah.

expectations...

So I hate expectations...I hate feeling like I HAVE to do something.  I feel that it loses its joy when we know how things are going to be but it's also kinda nice to have that stability.  I am of the belief that if I have a good heart good things will flow from that-it's biblical right?  I like the idea of doing coming out of being.  Maybe I'm over thinking it but today I had no expectations of how the day should go and I had so much fun!  I went to church and then I stopped in at an art exhibit and then wandered around a hidden market.  I even bought an embroidered sweater to commemorate this unexpected surprise.

But, most of the time we have expectations (external ones and internal ones).  I guess these are good.  They set the compass of our lives.  These have to be managed and processed to be realistic and somewhat ambitious too to make life interesting and exciting.

This is a constant struggle of mine which I am sharing with you.

I hope we don't lose the wonder and curiosity of life while having expectations.

Blessings,
Sarah

would my brothers approve...

So of late I have been going out for a drink or two with the ladies from work.  It has been lots of fun *sometimes I could hang back a bit on the dance moves. Naturally I've met more Expats by going out in the last two months than I have in the other 8.  At some point or another one expat might mention dinner to me (No, thank you!) or make an unnecessary comment.  I guess I was at a bar so this is to be expected.  None of these guys are real candidates to take home to my family but sometimes I do just check in my head..."Would my brothers be able to have a long standing decent conversation with them?"  Hopefully some kind of relationship in whatever shape or form.
I guess what I am saying is that a bar is not the place to meet someone but these thoughts do run through my head.  Again I want quality and someone who would be a life partner in whatever time frame that takes.

At the moment I sort of feel like a fish out of water.  A Christian in a Buddhist society.  A Christian single girl meeting ungodly men.  Even in church I am struggling to find my voice or expression in a way that is heartfelt and authentic.  I am not sure where I want to be next or where I will be next and this may all seem dramatic but I guess the world is my oyster-excuse all the ocean similes.

I'm also learning to go with the flow... Sometimes God is more in the flow than we realise.

Just thoughts from my inward wondering/s.

Blessings,
Sarah

sowing...

So today was a fun dress up day at work.  It was our Halloween Day.  I'm absolutely exhausted as I write this.  My chest feels tight and I have a load of washing in the washing machine *I'm unsure why I mentioned that.  Regardless, as much as I am exhausted I feel exhilarated too.  There are ebbs and flow's at work and in life and just about every area of one's life.  However I feel that whenever I am putting in my whole heart I reap in that area.

I must say that I am trying to focus my heart on other area's too now other than work but I know that the same principle applies.  If we sow in good things like self discipline, perseverance and so on we will reap good fruit.

May this be encouragement to you and me.

Love,
Sarah

goals...

So I would say my goal at life is to love God and others.  However this becomes a distant and vague fog when it comes to the humdrum of everyday life.  I'm been thinking on what is failure to me.  Okay so I know that I spoke about goals and now failures.  I guess we can look directly at our goals and assess whether we have hit the mark or not.  

Failure may not be as dramatic as being fired or being deported or losing a friendship/relationship but might be something like eating that 10th cookie when you said you were only going to have one.  I realized that I was doing this...beating myself up about something that actually wasn't a major goal in my life when I really think about it clearly.  My mail goal in life is not to avoid cookies however I was treating this 'failure' as if it was my one and only goal.  I understand that life consists of small goals and bigger goals (some that require more dedication and commitment) and I am not trying to diminish your inner resilience to complete tasks and accomplish efforts towards your goals.  However I am having to remind myself of what my goals are and treating them in the essence in which I first viewed them.  

It's about balance.  It's about being kind to yourself.  

Different seasons the sub main goals will differ and we should adjust accordingly.  
Stop trying to be perfect.
Enjoy the season you're in.

Love,
Sarah

a sinner and a saint

Most of the time I have a general idea of what I want to write and then when I start it fleshes out.  Let me start...

Of late I have really being thinking about what I believe and why.  Ok, you're probably thinking this is the normal Sarah stuff.  But I want to go their because this internal pondering really fascinates me and perhaps you could share your thoughts too *if you haven't already.  So I am currently living in a country where my religion (I like to think of it more as a relationship with Jesus) is a minority group.  It's impossible to miss the temples, the festivals, the culture and so on.

In most religions people have to earn their salvation- visit Mecca, fast, pray, repent, do good works and so on.  I really am not going to earn this blog post by listing it all.

Christianity differs.  We don't earn God's love.  We don't reach a level of goodness before we can enter into His presence.  My church back home in SA is such a fantastic example of this- they love on the prostitutes, welcome in beggars, goths or anyone who enters.  This is the example of Christ.  He loved sinners.  He pointed out the good in them when the world just saw a sinner...

May we be this kind of person.
May I be this kind of person.

These are my thoughts...

expectations coupled with perfectionism...

Being a emotionally aware person I pick up (sometimes overly analytical) about others emotional well being.  I am aware when others expectations of me are exaggerated coupled with the expectation to be perfect.  I'm not going to say I understand this because we are not perfect.  I feel that it is unrealistic and somewhat unnecessary to criticize and expect when there is no part on their side in the journey.

Let's just leave it there.  We all know how it feels to be criticized out of turn with no support or solution.  Let's keep this between us... it is frustrating and somewhat a condemning feeling that comes over us.  It makes us feel 'not good enough' but that's far from the truth.  When this happens we need to detach from these feelings.  They are not yours.  You are enough.  You are more than enough!

Love
Sarah

Get excited

there's this little voice in my head sometimes that says...

Don't get too excited.  Don't hold your breath.  

Being the questioner that I am I have come to question this notion... "Why not get excited?  Why not hope or be expectant?"  Sometimes people are too scared to dream and hope because they have been disappointment a lot but I've come to a point of letting go to the wind and setting sail...  Why not get overly excited about the future or possibilities or things that you are passionate about.  

Passion is contagious.  We can spend our lives debating and trying to prove a point but when we speak with passion and fervor there's nothing more convincing than first hand experience.

Up until this past month I've spent the majority of my free time alone.  Weekends have been me time, time to catch up with people over technology-which I am really grateful for.  Now, I've been too scared in a way to rejoice that I don't have to spend time alone in case I jinx it.  That is not how I want to live... in fear of losing what I have gained.  

May we hope and dream and trust in God's good nature.

Love,

Sarah

from my heart to fingertips to your heart.  

Good things

I remember when I first arrived in Taiwan the hand gestures were on top form.  In a struggle to communicate it was my survival mechanism (I guess they still are).  However they have been dulled down a bit now. One that I did often signaled 'perfect!'  It was a real simple hand signal and so everything could not be "yeah that's okay!" it had to be perfect.  That was the hand signal I knew and worked.    

Doing the washing, taking it out of the washing machine, hanging it, folding it, doing the dishes, preparing meals, buying food (and WATER!), dressing professionally, having fun, being social, getting enough sleep, eating well, keeping fit, not to mention being energetic for my job, being well prepared, saving money (trying my best!), making the most of living abroad, remembering to write, keeping contact with my beloveds, cleaning my flat, going to church, being hygienic, being abreast of admin and so the list goes on.  I'm sure you know the drill...  

Moving on, the urge for it all to be perfect is clearly present. I am reluctant to accept its pull which leads to anxiety and stress.  The house doesn't have to be perfectly clean and it's okay to forget to message a friend back here and there.  I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to resist the urge to try and play to perfectionism's game.  But why?  It steals joy!  I would hate for this season to end and only see later the fun and joy that it is...I can become so focused on being in control that I forget to enjoy the process.  I want to be aware of the good thoughts I could be thinking like...

WELL DONE! 
That movement out of bed was FANTASTIC!
You are a fascinating human being.
I enjoy being me.
I love what I do.

When I start looking for the things I love, I find them.
But, I don't always see them when I'm not looking.
So this again is a reminder to me to think on all that is lovely, pure, honorable, godly, good, a blessing and so on.  May the list of good things never end...

May our minds be consistently filled with the goodness of God.

Blessings,
Sarah.

frustrations and solutions...

One of the biggest frustrations that I experience living here is the inability to express myself. Everything has to be a step of faith or a planned event.  But you know what? I don't want to live in a state of frustration and the best way is to take that energy to the gym.  

Time to oneself is so important and exercising is as well.  Drinking lots of water and eating the right things reduces stress.  As well as getting enough sleep.  With that said.  I'm making my way to that beautiful thing called.. BED.

Night night! or good morning!

Treat yourself right-no one else is going to be doing it for you!

Love,

Phoenix

the little things...

Today I rushed to the local coffee shop for a coffee latte (YES milk, sigh) and in the process I put my scooter on its stand on a metal grid (man hole). It was all fine until I had my latte and came out and wanted to take it off its stand.  I struggled as it was now stuck in the grid and the metal was lodged.  I knew I couldn't do it alone but I tried.  I became panicky because I had a class in 20 minutes.  

A regular who sits outside with his paper and coffee helped me pull it out.  This reminded me again of how I love the Taiwanese.  It took him about 30 seconds to notice and to come to help. Why I say the Taiwanese is because this is not the first time a man has come to help me lift or move my scooter.  It just set such a pleasant tone for me for the rest of the day.  

May we  be those who offer to help too!

Richest Blessings,
Sarah.

small steps...

So last night I sent out my newsletter... It is always a relief because a lot of time, frustration and emotion go into the making of it.  It's nice to tick things off.  I've been trying to focus on the things that I am getting done rather than all the things I want to do.

Got up-tick!
Walked alllll the way to the bathroom-tick!
and I won't bore you with the details.  It's a bit of a mental shift but it makes one feel more productive.  Sometimes we are mindless about all the good we do because it's normal.  But I've come to celebrate it when I've done the washing AND hung it up the same day! haha.

It's the small steps that make a mile.

Well done on all those 'small' things you did today-just in case you didn't get the acknowledgement you deserve!

Love,
Sarah

Perfectionism...

We want to live our best life as our best self.  We want to offer a quality product and or a quality service...ALWAYS!   But you know what we are only human.

I really don't like being sick.  Does anyone?  I mean I like the time off because I would prefer not to throw up in front of my kids but sometimes we rush processes.  We think we can take this tablet three times a day and swoooooosh! We will be perfect!  

I've felt this drive to strive for perfectionism *without realising.  So what is perfectionism?  Its the refusal to accept anything shy of perfect.  

I've been feeling so overwhelmed by house work, school work, emotional work and so on that my chest feels tight.  But you know what we don't need to be perfect!  It's impossible anyway.  What is perfection?  It's different to every person.  So while we are trying the rules are always changing.  But let me tell you something before we spin out of control...

God is happy with you right now!
He is happy with you right now. 
Without saying do this or that. 
shhhhhh....
Let your soul take a minute or two or however long it takes.  
...

You are enough.
Before Jesus did ANYTHING (any miracles, healings etc) God said to Him... Well done good and faithful servant.  

Blessings of peace,
Sarah

that thing called compassion...

Compassion equals love.  Everything Jesus did was done out of love.  He was motivated by love to do things.  I think this is the prime example of love.  I dare to live my life like this-modeled on Jesus.  Motivated by the fact that He loves me.  He loved me first.  This is a short post but it serves as a reminder to me to listen to people.  To see the beauty in their soul when they talk to me and seek to understand them and not judge or offer advice without really understanding what it is that they need.

May we live loving lives-being loved and loving God and others.

Blessings and love to you dear reader,
Sarah

"Ahhh, shame"

Back home we say "ahhh shame" if someone has stubbed their toe or had a tough day.  We use it so glibly!  It really doesn't make any sense.  SHAME.  Shame is that feeling that makes you want to hide.  It tells you that there is something deeply horrible about your person hood.  It makes you want to hide and one feels embarrassed about something one has done or even who one is.  I love what C.S Lewis says about shame...

“I sometimes think that shame, mere awkward, senseless shame, does as much towards preventing good acts and straightforward happiness as any of our vices can do.”

We all deserve happiness and we should do everything in our power (depending on God of coarse!) to rid ourselves of shame.  Let us let go of things that entangle us and press through to live a FULL and glorious life!

Amen,

Love,

Sarah

life giving words...

These past few days I've been living in low gear.  Just because I've still felt dizzy, head achy and so on.  Monday I took off.  I was sick.  The doctor said something that really upset me about myself and I'm still waiting to hear if his diagnosis was correct or not.  But it got me thinking how we can so easily accept other people's opinions of us.  One of my favorites (sarcastic tone) is when someone says...'ahhhh you looking so tired...' I mean it could be said in the sweetest tone but somehow it never seems to inspire me.  

We too can think and speak positive and life giving words over ourselves!  Which should be even more convincing!  Like...'you have purpose and power', 'you are destined for greatness', ' you ooze creativity', 'you leak love without even trying', 'you are a force to be reckoned with' and so on.

This is certainly something I am challenging myself on.  In the bible we are encouraged to pray without ceasing and in that spirit we are bound to be thinking positively!  Maybe that's actually where it starts!  

This is not intended to be something more to do on your list but instead a reflection on what is helping me get mine done.

Blessings friend,

Sarah.

simplicity...

This year I chose the word ... breathe as my word for the year.  It's been a struggle.  I have to constantly remind myself to breathe.  I sometimes feel we have so much to do that I have to go! go! go! and I forget to inhale air in between speaking.  I sometimes even get hick-ups.  

Regardless of my hick-ups I still try!  As a questioner personality I often make a decision and then question it.  One of my greatest inward struggles is to feel like I have purpose and meaning.  I know it seems so simple.  I mean I work abroad.  I work with kids.  I go to church surely I should find meaning.  Oh, I also have friends and family that I am in communication with.  But still the struggle is real.  Coming home everyday to darkness and having to switch on the lights is something I battle with.  I've also known home to be a place where relationships breed.  

Anyway, I've come to the inward simple decision that I DON'T have to question everything.  My life has meaning.  My life has deep purpose.  I just need to breathe and accept it.  Simple.

May you see the beauty of your life.
May you see it in grand simplicity. 
May you know that you have purpose and meaning.
May you (like me) learn to breathe. 

Love,
Phoenix and Sarah.

Micro Managing...

I've neglected this blog for many reasons but one being that the app on my phone hasn't been working.  I would type and then it would shut me out.  How jolly rude?!  Besides that I've always felt convicted to write and I mean that in a keen interest kinda way.  When I think about writing I get butterflies in my stomach.  It means so much to me that someone might find value in the chaos that often is my mind and really this blog is a reflection of my mind. 

Anyway,  there are so many things I feel I want to write about.  Like when you haven't seen a friend for a long time you just have so much to say.  So here goes!  

Today I've been thinking about how we zoom in on something in life.  It can be a flower that is in bud.  We are so zoned into it that we may forget the garden around us that is in full bloom.  Recently I have been seeking the attention of a few people instead of continually thanking God for the flowers of friends that I have.  So THANK YOU GOD for the flowers of friends that I have.  

But it goes further than that I think.  We can really micro manage our lives to a point we forget to enjoy them.  We really can be so over ploughing a certain circumstance in our life that actually doesn't need attention.  What I mean is digging up the seed while its trying to grow.  What actually needs to happen is the season needs to change.  There is nothing wrong with your work, nothing wrong with what you are doing to nurture it but there is also power in trusting and letting go and letting the one who controls the weather do His thing.

I am speaking here from my own personal internal battles.  Firstly I hope this makes sense and secondly I hope you'll be gracious if it doesn't.  

Be blessed friends,
Phoenix and Sarah