Truth be told I feel like I've been doing you a disservice. I feel like part of me has been so fragmented, so dispersed, ill focused and distracted. You see there is this tearing within me and Im still trying to get comfortable with it. Part of me feels that life is always going to be about letting go and then at the same time feeling deeply. I've felt extremely weak over this period of travels as well as extremely alive. Stripped of my past in a way of feeling somewhat naked and vulnerable and simultaneously relieved in being able to 'create a new me'. I've felt weak in not knowing where to go for basic needs and not knowing who to trust on a deeper level yet excited about doing life differently.
There's this seemingly deep chaosm that Im often trying to bridge. One one side there's this mass notion of following my heart and then the side of me that likes to go on a whim. Of trusting my instinct and then going against the fears. The knowlege of knowing when to push and when to slow down and when to put down the coffee pot.
I giggle when I see the colourful temples yet I respect the people here deeply, my heart breaks when I see them and I know that they don't know Jesus, I smile because He fills me with joy from the inside and I cry because those on the outside only see the outside of me. I smile because I will get my pay cheque but I know that it can so easily be spent in a day on frivolous none sensicals. I smile because I know I am loved but I hestitate because I know I can damage. I declare Gods goodness when I don't see it. I say Im strong when I'm feeling weak. There's this constant struggle in my mind of what it should be like. The constant tug of war of wills and desires ( both weighty and of grounding). The tug when reading and sub consciously thinking of a million other things only to put the book down for another day.
'Go get it girl. You deserve it... You are worth it... You do what you need to do' but at the same time the future cautions me... ' Slow down, my love... I'm coming for you second by second ' . . .
You see it's this lingering of masses that lies before me... And maybe it's the same for you. If Im not able to merge or bridge these masses what does a place of rest look like and how do I know if I have fully rested? Does your mind tell your body or your body your mind?
Truth is I've been questioning... Why am I writing this? why am I doing this? Because it hurts. My heart (physically and emotionally) hurts. If my goal is to benefit people how would I be able to measure that ?
While I write this I question whether I should be so vulnerable and put those thoughts out there in fears of being more weak. but part of me doesn't want to live in a stifled place of fear and paranio.
Truth is my heart hurts to see people whom don't know the one who saved my soul and physically repairs my body. I guess it's by faith that I write this and by faith that I pray and in faith that I say TODAY is the BEST day ever!
This is the contrast we live in and we choose ( whether mindfully or not ) how we want to come to a place of rest / peace with it.
from my heart and hands to your heart and hands
Love,
Phoenix & Sarah
x x x
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